SCAVENGER HUNT: The Legacy Morpher And Why Nobody Deserves Your Money

SCAVENGER HUNT: The Legacy Morpher And Why Nobody Deserves Your Money
 “It was hard bringing myself down to the level of you two kids.” – Taylor Earhardt

Let’s have a talk.  Everybody chill; take a seat.  Today, we’re gonna talk about a little thing called ‘morality’. There are some things you need to know.

Everybody’s been in a hubbub over the Legacy Morphers.  For those of you who have been in outer space, Toys R Us has been releasing (though in a very limited capacity) a special toy called the Power Rangers Legacy Morpher, which is a high-quality copy of the MMPR morpher.  It’s made of a bunch of die-cast metal, comes with all five original coins, has the Zyuranger decals on the back, and even has a belt holster.  This fucking thing is even reportedly a pretty hefty pound in weight.  It’s part of the Power Rangers 20^th Anniversary thing that Saban has so far been wasting (that article is for after Megaforce ends).  If you ever had a childhood that involved the original season, this thing is for YOU.

Now that we’ve covered what the fuck this thing is, here’s what happened, based on my own observations (that turned out really well in my last article): a few months ago, it was revealed that Toys R Us Canada was taking pre-orders for them, as release was scheduled for May or some shit, what basically amounted to a lifetime to us.  For God’s sake, we could all have been dead by then!  We needed it THEN!

Nearly a month later, we got the first reports of them being on store shelves all over the American continent that dominantly speaks English (and French).  It wasn’t just in Canada; it was HERE, within the borders of the Union, and for just $50, you too could ‘join the legacy’.

A terrible injustice became of something that was meant to be pure.

People who rip other people off for a living found out about the Legacy Morpher and bought them out by the box.  They started showing up on eBay for $10, $20, $50, $90 more than they are worth from the shelf.  I knew this might be an inevitability, seeing as how stupid people our glorious Union proves to be year after year, and after making multiple visits to my local Toys R Us, I never found it.  I thought it was a fluke, an error in the system, or the disadvantage of living in the most uninteresting state in the Midwest.  I could see the corporation not sending it out here because they didn’t think it would sell; but why was it showing up everywhere else on the country?

I looked it up on the internet, as is tradition.  Not only was this morpher not available for shipping, reservation, or order of any kind, but it wasn’t showing any store in the state that had it in stock.  But it WAS in stock, I thought to myself; people are buying them all over the place!  Was I falling victim to another scalper gutting, or was my state not important enough to physically put them up for sale?  The plot thickened in my mind, but in reality, I was pouring over a fucking toy.  Still, I pressed on, and even got on the email list to be notified when they showed up in a local store.

For weeks, nothing happened; I don’t mean ‘a couple of weeks’ or ‘somewhere around a month’, I think I really mean ‘a couple of months’.  No email, no phone call, no letter, no nothing.  I called Toys R Us customer service.  After getting transferred around from United States CS to Canada CS and back again for an hour, one dumb lady after another telling me that it wasn’t in stock online and it wasn’t available for order of any kind, all things I’d discovered on my own, I wound up talking to customer relations or some fancy-sounding shit job.  The guy there told me the same thing, and I got mad.  I just want ONE, I told him; put it in the passenger seat of one of your trucks coming from a warehouse and I’ll meet you at the front door with cash.  No way, sir, it’s out of stock.  Everywhere?  It seems so.  Then why are they still on shelves?  Why are people buying them every day?

I never got a straight answer.  He transferred me to another higher-up who basically said I’d have to buy one from the scalpers.   For all I knew, this silver-tongued dickhead made a box or two of them ‘disappear’ and is fucking people over on eBay, too.  In his conclusion, there was no possible way to ship one to the store, ship one to my house, ship one to my neighborhood, ship one to my kindergarten, or ship one anywhere in my general direction because they were ‘out of stock’.

The way he said it, it confirmed my fears that it wasn’t being brought out here, which was the lesser of the two evils.  I called my local store every now and then and even paid them a few visits, hoping I’d catch a secret box just for me, or that there’d be a pallet of them being wheeled in by the truck crew right then.  Nothing, nada, zero; it was like this fucking thing didn’t exist.

One day, I called, and after giving them the part number (it’s burned into my memory, I may as well get it tattooed somewhere on my body: 550480), the lady told me something that hit me like Charles Bronson with that sock full of quarters.  They received SEVERAL a few days ago, and some guy came in the day they arrived, was ecstatic, and bought them the fuck out.

My pants dropped.  I hung the fuck up.  I fell to my nice carpet and lay there like one of the bodies in Starship Troopers.  I was fucking pissed.  They were here; even my town was infected by these fucking parasites.  And Toys R Us didn’t give a shit; they put them on the shelves, they sell them, guaranteed.  Doesn’t matter to them as long as the numbers show up on their checks.  So, not only did I NOT get an email (and probably never will), but after the first wave was over, Toys R Us put them ‘available for pre-order’ on their site for $60, now making more money than ever on a piece of my childhood.  Looking (sometimes evolving into pining) over eBay today, I can’t help but wonder if any of these things came from my town.  I know I can check the location on every seller, but it’s more dramatic if it’s ambiguous.

Now, this article isn’t just a rant.  Everybody has probably experienced this crap in their own towns or in some way been screwed by either Toys R Us or the hockers.  I am mad for a legitimate reason, beyond the juvenile ‘I want it and can’t have it waaaaaaaaaah’, or at least, that’s what I’m going to tell you and you’ll hopefully believe.  There is a strangeness, an undertone of contradiction, a Tommy/Jason, if you will.  And you’ll agree with me.

It defeats the entire purpose of being a Power Rangers fan.

Those who buy three, or all of them, and intend to make a profit on them learned nothing from the show.  It’s ironic that a story about doing good to others, keeping the moral high ground, never falling victim to bad deeds, and building a foundation on moral right is subject to manipulation by the very people the show warned against.  It makes sense to scalp the toys for the Zords, the Rangers, the trading cards, the Ranger Keys, or the other pieces of miscellany that escape our normal desire, but when it comes to the morpher, that’s sacred ground for many of us.

I will extrapolate on these points later, but the morpher is the key tool in the show, an unsung centerpiece.  It’s not appreciated as much as it really should be; not only is it used in every show, but it’s the greatest physical connection we have to the Rangers themselves.  The Ranger toys are an incarnation of something that exists, an idol if you will, but most of us pretend that the morpher is real, and after we complete the vocal call-out (thank you, Doctor K), I know that sometimes I expect to have my vision digitized.  It’ll never happen, but it’s important.

It has to do with the nature of the show, and the nature of tokusatsu in general.  Let’s do a quick compare/contrast: in normal American comics, superheroes inherit powers in nature.  Superman’s born with it, Peter Parker has it created and injected into him via Spider, and Captain America was grown that way.  They have a natural sense of responsibility to protect our world from forces as big as them; it’s nearly a birthright.

In tokusatsu, we have normal people who are faced with extraordinary odds and are unable to confront them without the assistance of technology.  This act is voluntary; facing intergalactic odds is enough to make plenty of people step down, and in fact, nobody has to take up powers to fight the invaders.  I am sure that in some version of our real world, we would let Lord Zedd walk right in and have at it until it gets so bad and we get so pissed off that everybody would want to fight (go for it, fan fiction writers, free plot right here).

In every season of Power Rangers, the morpher embodies that act of courage, putting aside fear and enduring great conflict for a greater good.  The vocal call-out is more than a safety device; it’s a declaration by the user that they will make a stand.  It’s proof that though they have taken up the mantle, they must now take up the sword.  Anybody can carry a morpher on their belt, but when the shit hits the fan, you cannot falter; one must be completely willing to give themselves to the fight, and activating the morpher is part of it, almost as proof to the cosmos that they will follow through until the end.

And now, the symbol of that glorious act is being perverted and literally sold to the highest bidder.  However, I will renew my courage and press on; this goddamn epic battle has just begun.  Not only will I NOT buy from the dickless trash hocking these things for up to $250 on eBay (with the Legacy Megazord and Armored Red Ranger and other bullshit no one really wants as bad as the morpher), but my current plan of action is to pre-order at the next available juncture, pick my thing up when it arrives, and never walk inside of Toys R Us again.

I ask YOU PEOPLE to NOT give in to the scalpers.  Even though it feels good to stick it to the assholes at Toys R Us, it’s not worth a Buy-It-Now of $100.  In fact, I urge you to steal it by any means necessary.  Do some crimes.  Show the world how pissed you are at this situation existing.  Just some misdemeanors, though, don’t fuck around with any felonies, those are killers to fight in court.

On that great note endorsing crime, I’ll end it.  Keep up the feedback and feel free to throw out some requests; the next scheduled article is a psychological deconstruction of Tanya Sloan, and then after that, the only thing I’ve really got planned is a general review of Megaforce after it’s over.  I’ve got the time.  Hit me with the deepest, most thought-provoking shit you can come up with.  I’ll deconstruct a fucking Cheeto if it’ll make you happy.  Let me make you happy.

What article do YOU want to see finished first?
“A History Of Conflict In Power Rangers”
“Rangers In The Fight Of Fate vs. Free Will”
“A Study In The Stability Of A Canonical Continuum: The Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey Stuff of Power Rangers”
“The Power Rangers vs. The Avengers: An Analysis”

Until the next one: be brave and press on regardless